For Gharaei, this was one of the inspirations behind the Rainbow Family project: Finding a queer community can feel like finding a second family. Joining a community can provide crucial support for LGBTQ+ members who face invalidation, rejection, and abuse from family of origin. Some commit suicide or succumb to addiction.” I know many friends who had to escape Iran and move to Turkey. They stopped all communication for two years. “I know someone whose family made her choose between them and her fiancé. Gharaei recounts similar instances of invalidation and rejection in the community: While Gharaei was able to eventually find peace with family, such was not the case for Alireza, a 20-year-old gay man who was murdered by family members. Now 40, Gharaei lives with their partner, and their family has come to accept them for who they are. I had two suicide attempts in my teenage years.” I used to cry myself to sleep, praying that God would turn me into a boy. For the first 25 years of my life, I had two personas: an inner persona and an outer persona, where I had to pretend. My parents believed that such thoughts would trigger God’s rage. “Since early childhood, I didn’t want to stick to gender norms. Shadi Gharaei is a holistic coach and creator of the Rainbow Family project, whose mission includes raising awareness and providing education on LGBTQ+ issues, specifically in middle-eastern families. Those in the LGBTQ+ community face their own challenges, where many face the decision to either live a lie or keep family of origin. Sometimes they return to the abuser, so we educate by showing them the probability of receiving violence from the partner or the family member again. “Especially in the case of emotional and mental abuse, we educate them to distance themselves from shame and blame, and recognize the signs of abuse. Working on boundary-setting skills is essential: Salehi explains that many at the shelter have had boundaries broken many times, emotionally and physically. We want them to keep their sense of control and agency.” We always ask them what kind of support they need. They have 24/7 access to counsellors, one-on-one therapy, and other educational, financial and career-related resources. Then we meet them where they are in life. “The first thing that helps is nonjudgmental and active listening to restore the sense of belonging. Salehi goes on to explain the support that shelter provides for women in transition: Many who leave abusive families soon find they’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire. It’s different case-by-case, as they open up according to their own timing.” Although some open up fast, for others, this sense of belonging may take a long time to be restored. That’s what we need to work on in healing. “Trauma, especially of prolonged nature, kills two essential human experiences: a sense of belonging and trust. Shelters can provide some measure of safety, but restoring a sense of belonging and trust is a different story. When this is the first place they feel safe and access a sense of security, they say for years that this shelter is family. They can be significantly influenced by the first person they see (who does their intake process), to whom they often stay very attached for a long time. “Most women are very distressed when they first call us and come here. In an interview with The Trauma and Mental Health Report (TMHR), Lida Salehi, a social worker and counsellor at Violence Against Women (VAW), shares: Healthy loving family is not guaranteed for everyone.
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